Bad Fiction

Back in the day, (I can’t believe I used that phrase), Saturday Night Live used to do a sketch featuring Dan Akroyd, called Bad Opera, or Bad Shakespeare Plays or something like that. Akroyd played this rather snooty character, Leonard Pinth Garnell, who would review these rather poor works of art, interpreted and played by the talented cast of Saturday Night Live.

Each year, San Jose State University offers the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. “For the past 25 years, the contest out of San Jose State University has challenged writers to concoct the worst opening line of a novel.”

Jim Gleeson of Madison, WI offers up the 2007 winner with this opening:

Gerald began–but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them “permanently” meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash–to pee.

The runner-up, a Scott Palmer from Oregon, is second best with these words:

The Barents sea heaved and churned like a tortured animal in pain, the howling wind tearing packets of icy green water from the shuddering crests of the waves, atomizing it into mist that was again laid flat by the growing fury of the storm as Kevin Tucker switched off the bedside light in his Tuba City, Arizona, single-wide trailer and by the time the phone woke him at 7:38, had pretty much blown itself out with no damage.

There is much more to be found on this web page, showing “winners” in several categories.

As the aforementioned Leonard Pinth Garnell would have stated, having tossed these tomes into a waste basket, “Bad writing. Oh so bad.”

Enjoy!

Only The Beginning

Found on an invoice for my life insurance premium:

Other correspondence, inquiries, and written requests must be sent to:
Customer Service Office
PO Box XXXXX
City, State, Zip

(here’s the good part)
We will begin to respond to your communication as of the date it is received at this address.

This company gives me lots of confidence about their ability to help me. I now know they will begin to respond to my communication when they receive it.

That begs the question…

But when will they actually respond? And what does one do when they begin to respond?

I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Economic Stimulus Explained

As everyone worldwide understands, the US economy is a real mess. With a friendly and helpful attitude, our Federal Government steps in to bail America out of this impending financial morass. Helping us out the same way they do with the good folks of New Orleans and the people of Iraq, of course. But I digress.

Anyhow, the plan is that The Government gives each and every American money that they can then go and binge out on spending. That spending, of course, will stimulate growth, making everyone happy, and once again fill those dwindling corporate coffers.

A more detailed explanation can be found at this link, where our good friend Uncle Jay Explains the News. The highly original, humorous and educational three minute video will help you see the light in these dark times.

News Makers

I was recently perusing that weekly news magazine called Newsweek, when I came across a page that attracted my serious attention. In the January 21 issue, back on page 83 we find a page entitled Newsmakers.

Expecting stories on the movers and shakers of the world, I was surprised that the faces and names were unfamiliar. Clay Aiken? Mischa Barton? Nicole Kidman? At least I’ve heard of Nicole Kidman. She acts in movies, doesn’t she?

Over half the page is dedicated to a hard hitting journalistic effort, interviewing this Clay Aiken guy. Apparently Mr. Aiken is historic in that he is some sort of “American Idol crooner.” Here’s a few examples of the tough questions Newsweek posed to Aiken:

Did you know your socks don’t match?
Stay away from Joan Rivers (that’s not even a question)
Do you think the Claymates will come see you?
Do women throw their underwear onstage?
How did you get into a fight with that lady on a plane?

No powder puff interview there. No sir. There’s news I can use!

The one question that piqued my interest,  was the one concerning women throwing underwear on stage. Do they take it off right there? In the theater?

In case you were wondering, as I was, Mischa Barton, whoever she is, had a DUI in December. Another drunk celebrity? She does apologize however, claiming, “I don’t know what to say about it except I’m not perfect?”

Like totally newsworthy.

Finally, Nicole Kidman is a news maker because she quit another movie. OK.

And that, dear readers, is the news.

Eloquent Insults Redux

Back in April, I posted a list of rather eloquent insults that surpassed the more traditional “your mama” or my favorite, “bite me“. Here are some additional insults to add to your own collection. Use them at your own risk, of course. Part of that risk might be that both the insultor and insultee understand what is being flung about.

So here we go…

I liked your opera. I think I will set it to music.
– Ludwig van Beethoven to a fellow composer

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
– Samuel Johnson (attributed)

Vile worm, thou wast overlooked even in thy birth — William Shakespeare

You are not worth another word, else I’d call you knave.
– William Shakespeare (All’s Well that Ends Well)

I do desire we may be better strangers.
– William Shakespeare (As You Like It)

There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.
– William Shakespeare (1 Henry IV)

Mission Accomplished

The President of the United States (aka “W”), was a busy man this year. Hard at work taking care (yeah, that’s the ticket) of our country. According to web site, The Onion, here’s what President Bush accomplished this year.

Take note, Americans. The man worked hard for that salary of his. And for all of us. We citizens and consumers should be grateful for all that He has done.

Quotable

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
–Woody Allen

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”
–Will Rogers

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.”
–Clarence Darrow

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
–Mark Twain

“All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.”
–Alexander Dumas

“A person should want to live, if only out of curiosity.”
–Yiddish Proverb

The Meltdown Explained

Below is a video from two British satirists called The Long Johns. In a rather candid interview, a rich white banker explains the world economy as well as the American mortgage “meltdown” in terms we can all understand.

Remember, this is high level satire.

So what do you think?

Grammatical Rules (Or Guide to Good Grammer)

Blogging is all about good grammar and language. So to provide a service to my fellow bloggers (and you know who you are), I offer the following for your thoughtful, but careful consideration.

Some of my readers are teachers. You know who you are. Please feel free to copy these rules for classroom distribution and/or use. You don’t have to pay me nuthin’

1. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
2. Just between you and I case is important.
3. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
4. Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into our language.
5. Don’t use no double negatives.
6. A writer mustn’t shift your point of view.
7. When dangling, don’t use participles.
8. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
9. Don’t write a run-on sentence you have to punctuate it.
10. About sentence fragments.
11. In a letter themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
12. Don’t use commas, which aren’t necessary.
13. Its very important that you use apostrophe’s right.
14. Don’t abbrev.
15. Check to see if you have any words out.
16. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
17. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
18. It is important to never ever under any circumstances split an infinitive.
19. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
20. The active voice is preferred.
21. Use of the passive voice is to be avoided.
22. Eschew obfuscation.
23. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

It’s Friday, We Need a Laugh

It’s Friday, we need a laugh. So being the excellent provider of customer service that I am, I dug deep down in my humor box for this one.

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. “before you start” the preacher said, “you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen.”

So the man on the horse says ” Praise the lord,” and the horse starts to trot. The man again says “Praise the lord,” and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells “Amen!!!” The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says “Praise the Lord.”

Have a great day.